The Weekend 2008

This past weekend happened to be the most amazing weekend of my life. The church, my friends, Kristian Stanfill and the band, Fernando Ortiz, the Y games, and most importantly God changed my life forever. Nothing can come close to this weekend. I loved it all sooooo much!

Woooooo!

Kellie just asked me to be a bridesmaid. I'm kinda way excited!

and I'm on nyquil.

Oh my gosh! I'm so excited for dandelions!

Are you Down With the Sickness?

Oh yes. I am sick, AGAIN. This is just my luck. I think it's just sinus' but I also have an infection coursing thru my body and little kids sneezing in my face every 30 seconds. I went to work today in scrubs, and of course my NACC shirt, and dragged myself through my day. It was awful.

This weekend is "The Weekend" and I am SOOOO STOKED! I just hope I'm not sick through it.

I am off to go by sinus medicine.

Happy Risen Savior Day!

I am exhausted! I've been up since before the crack of dawn. I went to the Sunrise Celebration this morning and froze my butt off. I text Chris P. and told him that I would get pneumonia anyday though, so I guess I can't complain much. I thought the Harlem Gospel Choir was fantastic! Then like 70 people got saved, and I don't know what it is with me, but everytime someone gets saved, I cry. So I did a little of that. Worship was amazing, and the reminder that Skip taught us today was good. I am a believer, and I am soooooo proud of that! I guess I'm a comprehender. Then i went home, text Chris B., and ended up going to City on a Hill with him... So 2 church services in one day, and I loved all of it.

Then we went back to my house to get my deviled eggs (aww shooot, I left my plate there) and as we were turning left on Indian School to Tramway the eggs came sliding out of the tray all over the ground. I was so sad. There were like 6 deviled eggs though. Why are they called deviled eggs? I don't feel like I should be eating those on Easter.... I did anyway.. Is it cause they're boiled for 20 minutes in a crazy hot pan? I don't know. Maybe I should think twice about what I eat.... I'm just kidding.

Anyway, we then headed to his house to eat dinner with his family. It was really yummy and now I'm dead tired. I'm going to go sleep cause this head ache is killing me.

It is so amazing.

Chris and i had a blast making these! They are about to be deviled eggs!

I know you, I know you more than anyone alive.

To be honest, I am not in a good place. I am so hurt by myself, I'm just wondering how God thinks I can handle it. Every time I think of where I was a year ago today, I freak out, break down, and sleep my day away. Today I broke down in the shower out of no-where. I'd like to blame it on PMS but when this happens all the time, I'm inclined to lean the other way on the issue. I'm hurt. I feel so severely bruised, and it's not going away. What's worse is that I ran into this wall in my life knowing that I was going to hit it.

Two nights ago I had this dream. I can't say it was awful, but I can't say it was amazing. I can't say it was amazing cause I definitely woke up and found myself back in the real world. I was hanging out with Frankie and about 4 other friends. We weren't talking, but I had a smile on my face the entire time. I was just so happy that I was in his presence. I knew that he loved me and that this moment would last forever. Then I looked over at him and he stood up. He walked into the middle of the group, grabbed my hand and kissed me in front of everyone. I remember thinking "Oh no, are his parents going to be mad?" and I remember picturing his lips and thinking about how soft they were. He pulled away and just looked at me as I stared at him. My words, and my heart cannot possibly explain what was happening inside of me. I cried in his arms for what seemed like 2 seconds. The scene slightly changes. It feels like everyone is still around me, but I didn't care. All that mattered at that moment was him. I looked at him and the first thing I told him was the biggest lie that has ever came out of my mouth. I said, "I never lost hope." and he just continued to stare. I remember thinking "Why? Why did I say that?" I finally have him back and I'm going to lie to him? No way. I never corrected myself, because at that moment I woke up.

That dream has been eating at me for 2 days now. Am I chasing the ghost of a good thing, or does God have him on my mind for a specific reason? God put him in my life for a very important reason, but I just refuse to believe he was only supposed to be in it for such a short amount of time.

My stomach hurts, and I haven't any motivation for anything. I pray everyday for God to work this specific miracle in my life, but I feel like it's just as good as wishing for a million dollars to fall out of the sky onto my balcony. My life is in His hands, and I just have to constantly remind myself to not give up.

This morning I was in the shower listening to some Death Cab. That band always tears me up. While in the shower I had an especially girly moment, and I started to picture my wedding day, standing at the altar across from my loved one. I imagined that I was singing a love song to him as he smiled and watched me. When I came back to reality I realized that the man that was in front of me was faceless. I began to sob uncontrollably and I seriously couldn't contain myself for about 15 minutes.

If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks

I'll follow you into the dark

Death Cab really tears me up from the inside out. He's gonna find someone new while he's up there states away. I want nothing to do with New Mexico. This place holds to many memories for me. Music sometimes hurts way to much to listen to. As lovers of music and each other, we had many songs for us. Dashboard, Death Cab, Satriani, Third Eye Blind, Dave Matthews, Adam Sandler, Goo Goo Dolls, Pillar, Candlebox, and many many many more other artists are hard to listen to these days. He'll never leave my memory. I just hope that it's not because I'm too afraid to let go.

I'm afraid that this sounds childish and immature. It's not. People are always saying "When you meet that person, you'll just know." I remember when I met him I was instantly taken by him. It was love at first site. God was in our presence, telling us to move forward with our friendship. Granted, we didn't do it in the correct way, and Satan ended up taking over. I think ultimately, the Devil is who I am to blame. I got so caught up in my own sin that Satan had no problem taking over. Anyway, from beginning to end, and past the end to right now at this moment I knew he was the one. It's just a feeling, and I take my feelings seriously.

Yes'm, this is going to be a hard next few weeks. I will really need help because I'm going to struggly with my sanity. It's almost been a year, and I don't want to return to those dark times in my life. I can't say that I'm sorry enough. I am so sorry.

Sunset in new mexico. It's beautiful!

It's Definitely Thursday

I can't believe how crazy today has been. It's only 12:39. I'm on my lunch but geeeeez people are crazy. Ok, my day started out in the kitchen at work. That's always bad news. I was toasting and buttering english muffins, but I was using the oven instead of the toaster. I didn't burn anything, oh no... BUT I did almost manage to burn the kitchen down, and I don't even know how. So here's my story.
I'm putting the english muffins into the oven setting the microwave timer for 45 seconds just so I don't forget about the muffins and burn them. Well the third time I set it, I waited for it to go off and....Wait, backtrack! I'm cutting english muffins and this stupid towel gets in the way so I throw right beside the microwave. Now I am setting the time and I go back to my cutting skillz. The time goes off and I turn around and the stupid towel is ON FIRE! What the heck? The microwave is slowly melting and so I pick up the towel and toss it into the sink. It all went out and everything was ok, but H'OMGOSH! Did the towel spontaneously combust or what? We decided that the microwave was being dumb and just caught fire in the stinking corner and so the towel also caught fire. It doesn't make sense, but neither does putting me in the kitchen.
Aside from that, people sure are moody today. I can't wait till work is over so I can just go to Renovate and forget about this world.

Peace out!

I work at a daycare. This is today after nap time. She was being hilarious! Here is the video!