Two nights ago I had this dream. I can't say it was awful, but I can't say it was amazing. I can't say it was amazing cause I definitely woke up and found myself back in the real world. I was hanging out with Frankie and about 4 other friends. We weren't talking, but I had a smile on my face the entire time. I was just so happy that I was in his presence. I knew that he loved me and that this moment would last forever. Then I looked over at him and he stood up. He walked into the middle of the group, grabbed my hand and kissed me in front of everyone. I remember thinking "Oh no, are his parents going to be mad?" and I remember picturing his lips and thinking about how soft they were. He pulled away and just looked at me as I stared at him. My words, and my heart cannot possibly explain what was happening inside of me. I cried in his arms for what seemed like 2 seconds. The scene slightly changes. It feels like everyone is still around me, but I didn't care. All that mattered at that moment was him. I looked at him and the first thing I told him was the biggest lie that has ever came out of my mouth. I said, "I never lost hope." and he just continued to stare. I remember thinking "Why? Why did I say that?" I finally have him back and I'm going to lie to him? No way. I never corrected myself, because at that moment I woke up.
That dream has been eating at me for 2 days now. Am I chasing the ghost of a good thing, or does God have him on my mind for a specific reason? God put him in my life for a very important reason, but I just refuse to believe he was only supposed to be in it for such a short amount of time.
My stomach hurts, and I haven't any motivation for anything. I pray everyday for God to work this specific miracle in my life, but I feel like it's just as good as wishing for a million dollars to fall out of the sky onto my balcony. My life is in His hands, and I just have to constantly remind myself to not give up.
This morning I was in the shower listening to some Death Cab. That band always tears me up. While in the shower I had an especially girly moment, and I started to picture my wedding day, standing at the altar across from my loved one. I imagined that I was singing a love song to him as he smiled and watched me. When I came back to reality I realized that the man that was in front of me was faceless. I began to sob uncontrollably and I seriously couldn't contain myself for about 15 minutes.
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
I'll follow you into the dark
Death Cab really tears me up from the inside out. He's gonna find someone new while he's up there states away. I want nothing to do with New Mexico. This place holds to many memories for me. Music sometimes hurts way to much to listen to. As lovers of music and each other, we had many songs for us. Dashboard, Death Cab, Satriani, Third Eye Blind, Dave Matthews, Adam Sandler, Goo Goo Dolls, Pillar, Candlebox, and many many many more other artists are hard to listen to these days. He'll never leave my memory. I just hope that it's not because I'm too afraid to let go.
I'm afraid that this sounds childish and immature. It's not. People are always saying "When you meet that person, you'll just know." I remember when I met him I was instantly taken by him. It was love at first site. God was in our presence, telling us to move forward with our friendship. Granted, we didn't do it in the correct way, and Satan ended up taking over. I think ultimately, the Devil is who I am to blame. I got so caught up in my own sin that Satan had no problem taking over. Anyway, from beginning to end, and past the end to right now at this moment I knew he was the one. It's just a feeling, and I take my feelings seriously.
Yes'm, this is going to be a hard next few weeks. I will really need help because I'm going to struggly with my sanity. It's almost been a year, and I don't want to return to those dark times in my life. I can't say that I'm sorry enough. I am so sorry.
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