It's a shower cap

I've had 3 days is the past 36 hours

I woke up yesterday around 11am. I spent the day on MySpace talking to someone I haven't ever met. She seems really cool, and we actually get along really well.

Yesterday wasn't easy. I got so mad and sad that I felt like throwing up. I found out someone that I cared about is a compulsive liar about...well...everything. I always knew he was, but the things I learned yesterday threw me over the edge. I care about him. A lot. I called him in an outrage. I was shaking and near tears the entire time. He just doesn't understand what he's really doing. When I got off the phone I didn't feel better. I felt satisfied because I wasn't letting him run from his past. That's all he does is run. You know, maybe if he wouldn't keep making the same and then worse mistakes than before I would be ok with it. But he doesn't stop messing up. I realize people mess up, but the quantity of times he just royally screwed up was too much for me. He needs help and all I'm doing now is praying for him.

The girl I was talking to via MySpace was a girl that he dated. I dated him too. We both had an understanding for each other. Her and I talked through the night (like seriously... she watched the sun rise) but not just about him. We got along. But when it did come down to him, I found out even more stuff. The thing that bothers me the most is that he just didn't tell me. And not only did he not tell me, he covered up the situation with some random LIE. When he was in Albuquerque visiting he told me that he was going to go visit a guy friend of his. So he left me to go visit him. It turns out he was also talking to her and insisted on seeing her. You know, that wouldn't have been to big of a deal if he had told me. I obviously can't trust him. And not only did he see her, but he also completely ignored her. 1, rude! 2, why? I later found out why. Some other girl he had invited was there. This hurts. Why would he do this? He invited some random girl who neither of his other two friends knew and ignored them and talked to her... Now I find out he talks to her a lot, and he hasn't EVER mentioned her to me. (To sound like a 14 year old love stricken girl, she is on his top 8 now for crying out loud. what the?)

Is he Christian?

Not my place to judge.

But he might as well have just slept with her in public. Because that just about how bad he looks anyway.

Happy baby!

Happy people really do make me sad.

I woke up about an hour ago.

Josh text me and asked me how I was doing. I don't think he triggered this or anything, but the combination of a sad dream last night, a myspace message from someone I don't know, and the mentioning of him, put me in tears. This is just so hard. I know that instead of typing this blog I should be talking to God about it... but I wanted to share.

I know that I love him... And I know I love him enough to let him go. I just really don't want to.

Today is going to be hard.

This is what i woke up to.

Romans loves the producers

Cars slip n slide. You're jealous. I know.

Bored at the gym with way to many plastic cups

I believe it.

She's getting a tattoo yeah she's getting ink done

My nephews got a wii. Now i have to watch more avatar than i could ever have imagined.

I wish i could bounce back from something bad like a one year old. Look how happy he is.

He looks how i feel. Naked and emotional.

It's not 'no', it's just 'not now'

Heartache, grief, and all the things I've missed out on. I am never dating again. That's right. Thanks to the Romero's, I understand courting now. I understand what is going on in my life. I know this is a test from God, and I'm going to pass. In my prayers I've asked for patience, because I know it's something I don't have. Well, here it is. I had to learn it the hard way. Instead of hating it, I know i need to take this as a gift, as a blessing.... In disguise of course.

My husband will be:

A believer. He and I will be running full force in the same direction.

Strong. He will be strong in his faith and in his love for me.

Respectful. He won't try make to me stumble.

Bold. He won't be afraid to show everyone that he loves me. He will be the one that makes me feel safe day and night. I know that he will make feel like the most beautiful person in the world.

These are just a few things that I know I want with the love of my life. Who knows if Frankie is the one. I sure don't, and I know he doesn't know either. I don't know if the past 3 months was just a game for him. I don't know if I was on the back burner the entire time or if he just wasn't ready. I don't know. I love him. Instead of being crazy though, I've fully turned my attention to God. When Frankie called that one (seemingly fateful) night, I didn't feel like I had enough time with God. I didn't feel like I had my life straight, but I didn't know how to pass up someone that I felt to be the one. My mistake. Would he have waited for me if I had told him to? Instead, he asked me to wait for him. I told him I would... and I feel like I still will. I don't know. I believe the Lord will give me the strength to do whatever He has willed me to do.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Frankie. Not day has gone by since November 3rd, 2005 that I don't think of him. I just don't know if God would put someone so amazing and life changing in MY life just to take him out so quickly. Before Frankie I wasn't a believer. Church was a laugh, and God wasn't existent in my life. Since then God is such a huge part of my life and gathering with fellow Christians is something that I long for every day of my life. I don't know, maybe He would take someone so huge out of my life. I know someday I'll find out.

"4...And his banner over me was love.
5. Sustain me with cakes of raisins
Refresh me with apples
For I am lovesick."
Song of Solomon 2:4-5

He knows how much I love him, and so does God. But now is not the time.This is God telling me "Not now." He is letting me know what it's like to be patient, and I love Him for it.

I feel awful. I hate everything from glow sticks to the stupid chicken dance. I'm in public so i'm swallowing so many tears i can taste them.

My prayer

I don't think I' have ever been so upset in my entire life. I've been crying all day. Frankie broke up with me. I feel so.... Used... I guess. I don't know. We made life plans together. I just can't stop crying. He said that he felt God was leading him in a different direction, but i think that's bullshit code for "I shouldn't have ever called you." I love him. I've been talking to God all day just crying. I've tried to not question Him, but the occasional "why?" does come out. I love him and I don't want to live my life without him, but I guess I have to. It's so hard to write this. Not again. I don't want to do this again. I seriously thought I was done. 

Guys, I'm asking you to just please pray for me. For Frankie. I hope that he isn't lying to me. He says he loves me, but if he does... then I just don't understand. I don't understand love that fails. It's not possible right? Someone please tell me he's just running away from his problems, because we all know he's good at that.

I love him.

God, help me. 

Roman will be the dancer of this family. Proof is this video. He is dancing to me making awful noises and then we watched it replay and he danced during the video. Maybe he'll be on so you think you can dance.

Crocodiles and Lace

Eeeeeek! I'm going to look for jobs AGAIN today. Oh yes, I have been on the search for 2 days now. I'm starving and I think I'm getting sick, so I'm really not excited. I have a huge freaking headache too. I'm not complaining, just updating. 

Last night I was up till 1:30am reading my old blog. I've updated it twice since Frankie and I got back together, but the previous entries are stinkin' crazy. I was so flipped upside down, I'm not really sure how I made it out alive.

: )

My new pair of chucks. I've worn then around 4 times now but they still are pretty uncomfy.

I love my nephew.  I couldn't resist.

Fwd: You have new Picture Mail!

Life is good again. Well, with or without a mullet i love him.

Oh dear God. Mullet.

You cut me open...

PMS or something that actually matters?

Feelings.

Whoooaaaaa

Feelings.

Someone needs to get their priorities straight.

Someone needs some time.

Someone needs to focus

...to figure out what is right for them.

and it isn't me.

My view from where i sit. I need a job.